Imagine if your child had a one in ten chance of being a genius. Would you foster their skills? Would you entertain the possibility they’re special?
What if your child had a one in ten chance of developing a serious illness? You’d imagine most parents would prepare for the possibility.
Then why don’t we prepare ourselves for the fact that our children might be sexuality or gender diverse?
The Kinsey Institute reports that seven percent of adult women and eight percent of men in America identify as gay, lesbian or bisexual. Other studies suggest these numbers would be closer to one in ten were it not for underreporting and social stigma.
So why are we so unprepared to talk about sexuality and gender diversity with our kids and what impact is this lack of conversation having?
“- One in five said they find it hard to treat same-sex attracted people the same as others.
– Six in 10 said they had witnessed first-hand people being bullied for their sexuality and four in 10 said they had seen people bullied for the same reason on social media.
– A quarter said terms such as “homo”, “dyke” and “confused” are “not really that bad”.
– Four in 10 either agreed that they felt anxious or uncomfortable around same-sex attracted people or did not disagree that they felt this way, while 23% think it’s ok to say something they don’t like is “gay” and 38% wouldn’t be happy if a same-sex attracted person was in their friendship group.”
Parents of young boys – you need to do better.
If you haven’t considered the possibility that your child might be gay you need to consider the high likelihood that one of their peers will be. You are in the single most important factor in making sure your child isn’t a victim or a perpetrator of discrimination.
Initiatives like the Safe Schools Coalition Australia aim to combat these attitudes in schools with the knowledge that “75% of same sex attracted or gender diverse young people in Australia experience some form of homophobic or transphobic abuse” and that “80% of these homophobic and transphobic incidents take place in schools” (From Minus 18’s ‘Stand Out’ booklet).
Initiatives like the Safe Schools Coalition do important work in fighting homophobia in schools, but it’s only a band aid solution to a problem that should be tackled much earlier in the home.
What beyondblue’s study shows is that parents are not doing enough before these young men reach school. If you’re serious about the long term wellbeing of your child and their peers you need to act early. It isn’t good enough to assume your child and their peers will identify as you expect. The only safe assumption is diversity.
What can you do to ensure your child is prepared and supported?
– Educate yourself on sexuality and gender diversity so you’re prepared when you talk to your child about it.
– Discuss sexuality and gender diversity openly with your child and do it early. Tell them early on that you will support and love them no matter what.
– Don’t assume the sexuality or gender identity of your child or that of their peers.
– Have an open discussion with your child about discrimination and reject it unreservedly.
– Make your community accountable. When your child does reach school make sure the school actively rejects discrimination and hold them accountable.
The conversation might be uncomfortable. The conversation might raise more questions than answers, but the vital part is telling your child you have their back and that you as their central role model reject discrimination in all its forms.
The only way to have a serious impact on the level of homophobia amongst young men is to educate yourself, act early and educate your child. It’s not enough to expect schools and the community to do it for you.
The positive side to all this is that we are progressing, albeit slowly. If your child is part of the one in ten the time has never been better for them to grow up into a happy, healthy and loved adult like any child deserves. Growing up as a sexuality or gender diverse young person still has its challenges, but the more of us who say “I have your back” and do something about it the easier it gets.
The national mental health initiative beyondblue has launched a new campaign aimed at addressing ignorance and stigma about anxiety in Australia. Get To Know Anxiety seeks to better educate the public what anxiety is and how prevalent it is in our community. According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics around a quarter of Australians will experience an anxiety condition at some point in their lives.
Writing this piece is frightening because I am one of them. I have been managing anxiety for over two years and many years beforehand unknowing, undiagnosed and unsupported.
“…more than just feeling stressed or worried. While stress and anxious feelings are a common response to a situation where a person feels under pressure, it usually passes once the stressful situation has passed, or ‘stressor’ is removed.
Anxiety is when these anxious feelings don’t subside. Anxiety is when they are ongoing and exist without any particular reason or cause. It’s a serious condition that makes it hard for a person to cope with daily life. We all feel anxious from time to time, but for a person experiencing anxiety, these feelings cannot be easily controlled.”
Anxiety is not easy to talk about publicly, because of the stigma and ignorance about the condition. You worry that your family, friends and colleagues will treat you differently once they find out you have anxiety, you worry employers will consider you unemployable because you’ve spoken out about your mental health and you worry that people will assume it’s “just a bit of stress” and it’s “all in your head”. However despite all these worries, speaking out about anxiety has been one of the best things I’ve ever done.
In fact, if it weren’t for a close friend telling me about her experience of anxiety I probably would have never sought help. It was through hearing her experience that I began to recognise my own behaviours and coping mechanisms weren’t working. I was ignorant about what anxiety actually was and didn’t think it was something that affected people like me. Thanks to her sharing her story I made a visit to my GP and started learning what anxiety really was and how to manage it as part of my life.
After careful thought and consideration late last year I “came out” as a person living with anxiety. After a particularly bad experience managing my anxiety whilst travelling overseas I decided to write about it and share my experience living with and managing the condition. In the months since, I’ve been quietly contacted by a slow, but steady trickle of friends, family and strangers each with their own unique experience of anxiety. Many have contacted me to ask for my help and advice or simply to say “I read your story and sought help as a result”.
What really struck me from this experience is just how diverse a condition anxiety is and how much we need to hear each other. No two people experience anxiety in exactly the same way and too many of us are afraid to talk about it. A diverse condition needs a diverse range of strategies, solutions and stories. Our stories have the power to take the suffering out of mental illness and foster a more understanding and supportive culture.
The survey that has sparked beyondblue’s latest campaign has shown that up to 40% of Australians still think that anxiety is “just stress” and up to 50% believe it’s just a part of people’s personality. The only way we can change this stigma and misinformation is to put a human face to anxiety. It’s hard, but if those of us who feel comfortable and supported enough to share our stories do so we can change the public’s understanding and perceptions of anxiety. The better we as a community understand and support those living with anxiety the more people can seek and receive help.
Writing this may be frightening, but it’s completely worth it. If my words and my experiences can help others to seek help and change how the community understands anxiety then it’s worth fighting through the stigma, the ignorance and the fear to make sure that others going through the same experience don’t have to feel alone.
-JB
If you need support you can contact the following services:
SANE Australia helpline
1800 18 SANE (7263) or www.sane.org
Welcome to my inner monologue four weeks ago lying on a hotel bed in New York City. On what was meant to be my big adventure holiday exploring North America it hit me worse than I think I’ve ever felt it:
Anxiety.
Heart pounding like crazy, pain searing down my arms and legs and constant thoughts hammering through my head telling me “you’re going to die halfway across the world away from your loved ones and there’s nothing you can do about it”.
It was just under two years ago that I first felt these sensations. It had been one of the busiest, most stressful periods I’d ever had in my work and personal lives. For weeks there’d been this rising tension across my whole body until one day sitting at my work desk the tightness in my chest became too much to bear. I walked into my boss’ office with surprising calm and told her “I’m going to take myself to hospital.”
At the hospital they scanned me, prodded me, tested me and told me there was nothing much wrong. My blood pressure was a little high and I was slightly dehydrated. I was placed on a drip for a couple of hours and sent home. A couple of trips to the GP for more testing that week also showed no major problems. I took the episode as a sign that I was long overdue for a holiday, took a break and thankfully the tension and the pains went away.
I still had no answers. Why the hell did my body do this to me when I most needed it to be operational?
It wasn’t until six months later that a good friend was having a rough time and told me about her experiences with panic attacks and anxiety. Through hearing her experience it occurred to me – did I have a panic attack?
The next day I booked an appointment with my GP and asked the question – Do I have anxiety?
Beyondblue describes anxiety as “…more than just feeling stressed or worried. While stress and anxious feelings are a common response to a situation where a person feels under pressure, it usually passes once the stressful situation has passed, or ‘stressor’ is removed.
Anxiety is when these anxious feelings don’t subside. Anxiety is when they are ongoing and exist without any particular reason or cause. It’s a serious condition that makes it hard for a person to cope with daily life. We all feel anxious from time to time, but for a person experiencing anxiety, these feelings cannot be easily controlled.”
My GP referred me to my local headspace centre where I started seeing a psychologist and I’ve been getting support for the last year. In retrospect I can now see that I’ve probably always had anxiety. Whilst these physical symptoms were new to me I can see how anxiety has influenced me throughout my entire life. Since being diagnosed I’ve also realised just how many people anxiety impacts. I never knew that many of my closest colleagues, friends and family have also lived with anxiety and how diverse a condition it can be. No two people experience anxiety in the same way.
This brings me back to my hotel room in New York City four weeks ago. Whilst travelling with a close friend who also lives with anxiety we both found out that travel was one of our worst triggers. However this time I came prepared. Prior to the trip I spoke to my GP about managing my symptoms and came prepared with some basic medication and tools to manage my anxiety. Anxiety was not going to ruin my holiday. The advantage of travelling with a close friend also living with anxiety was that we could be open, honest and supportive of each other. We may have anxiety, but with patience, support and compassion for each other we still managed to have an awesome holiday.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned out of this recent experience it’s that you are definitely not alone and you don’t need to suffer alone. Since opening up about my experience on anxiety I’ve discovered that some of my most respected, admired and treasured colleagues, friends and family have also lived through these experiences. If you think there’s something wrong please speak up – talk to your GP or one of the many support services available. Anxiety is just one of many mental health issues we need to discuss as a community. I hope by sharing my experience others will share theirs too and our community, our social spheres and our workplaces can become more supportive and understanding places.
-JB
If you need support you can contact the following services:
SANE Australia helpline 1800 18 SANE (7263) or www.sane.org
A couple of months ago one of my colleagues excitedly told me about ‘Humans of New York’ – a simple concept that profiles New Yorkers with a photo and a short quote.
I’m so glad she told me about it. Humans of New York has been a daily delight. It has made me laugh, burst out in tears, question myself, question others and go through a whole range of emotions. The stories are quirky, poignant, diverse and interesting.
It’s amazing how such a simple idea can be so powerful. You can find Humans of New York on Facebook and on Twitter. It’s a must-follow.
-JB
I’m aware there are many other “Humans of…” pages around. Do you have any other favourites? Let me know!
My partner Kevin blogs over at Cynder & That Dog Dancing Guy and at the moment he’s giving away two prize packs filled with great treats, toys and products for your dog. Check the competition out here – it ends 8pm Friday June 13th. While you’re there make sure you read his great tips for raising, training and caring for your dogs (and all about the fascinating world of dog dancing!).
Meet Sprocket – the newest member of our family. He’s an 10 month old Terrier cross (We’re not sure what’s in the mix!) adopted puppy from Melbourne’s The Lost Dogs’ Home. Follow along as I share his and my story as a new dog owner learning how to raise a healthy and happy little dog. I’ll also be doing regular updates on JOY 94.9′s Pets-A-Loud about my experiences and what I learn along the way.
Our smart little man is growing up already!
Since our last update, our terrier cross Sprocket has progressed to class 2 at obedience training and doing great! He’s starting to learn more complex commands such as staying, recalls and stands.
What I find really important in training is that I understand the logic behind each command and technique so I can place it in the bigger picture of his training. Learning isolated commands and tricks might be fun, but I’m learning to ask our trainers to explain the context of each lesson more.
I now feel I’m beginning to understand the psychology behind our little man much better. One of my proudest moments has been teaching him to go to bed. Initially you could tell he disliked bed time and would do anything to avoid it (cower away, refuse to move) but with lots of positive encouragement and support we now only need to call out “bed!” (OK, sometimes he needs a little push to get moving!) to get him and Cynder to their respective beds. It was a moment that showed me just how powerful consistent positive reinforcement is with our training and our daily routines.
Soon I’m looking forward to taking him new places and eventually…the beach! I can’t wait!
As I mentioned earlier in the week I’ve invested in a new digital camera and I’m starting to get back into photography more seriously after a few years off. Thanks for your tips – particularly for some classes around Melbourne to try out!
I’m in my “experimental phase” with the camera and learning to stretch my abilities and discover what the camera is capable of. It’s so much fun to walk around your city with a new camera – you start noticing little things you would have walked past without a second thought and almost everything becomes an opportunity for a photo. Our dogs may be a little sick of being turned into models this last week too!
I’m posting my favourite photos and experiments up on Flickr (JB_AU88). I would love your thoughts and ideas for fun photo opportunities or challenges I can take up.
Working in the not for profit/community space you get very used to acronyms very quickly. Whilst identifiers for specific communities can be useful for collecting data and watching trends within sections of the population, it can also be very confusing to keep up with and often counter productive when it comes to representation of diverse communities.
DSG is Diverse Sexuality and Gender. It’s still an acronym, but we think it’s way more inclusive than LGBTIQabcdefg
I’m extremely passionate about the impact of language on our lives – particularly for young people who are “DSG”. I think there’s a fine balance between language that embraces diversity and allowing people to embrace labels should they choose to do so. My belief is that we need a stronger focus on the values underpinning diversity and diversity being more than just creating more labels, but a culture and a philosophy.
Good job StartOut Australia – I look forward to seeing your work develop.
Last night Kevin and I were featured on the Michelle Bridges 12 Week Body Transformation Facebook page. We finished the program a few weeks ago now, but it really did have an outstanding impact on us both. Together we’ve lost over 40 kilos and feeling fitter than we’ve ever felt before. The program is very pragmatic in that it teaches you ongoing skills and is more than just a one off “diet plan” – we’ve definitely rethought our relationship with food and exercise.